All of a sudden, there was a rush, a rush of past. It’s as if the present need not exist, for it no more seemed important. It was in the past that I wanted to live in, past which, I thought, was happier, in the same way that I might tomorrow think that the moments I am living now are. How weird the mind is. Preferences change from one extreme to another in but a matter of seconds. A moment before, I had been immersed in vorfreude and, then, serendipitously sprouts saudade.
Maybe it is the music that changes my perception, maybe it reminds me of the ‘good old days’, maybe it makes me feel that the good old days are really good. That early waking, that school going, that spending all the time I could have utilized to do homework by praying that it not be checked, that sitting calmly at one corner of the class and being disgusted at the rest of noise-making crowd, that laughing at every funny thing that happened in the class in the most unnoticeable way possible, in short, that trying to be an ideal student, the single-mindedness of my later self has obscured. Returning of those days? Saudade
Sundays were special days for me, not only because I was off whatever I was supposed to do but also because the world seemed calmer with lesser hustle and bustle. Fighting clinomania early in the morning, walking towards living room with blanket draped all around, getting hold of a biscuit packet and a juice bottle, and watching The Suze Orman Show in the calmness that the noisy world used to spare me for that one day of the week, how I wish I have it back, how I wish. As the lord of the day started to move away from the horizon, accompanying dad to the supermarket was the task at hand. Enter supermarket, more crowd than normal would catch eye. Yet, serenity was not to be unexpected. Chilled-out shoppers, chilled-out conversations, and lots of Peppy Balls packets; warmth in the air. Will I have the same staycation ever again in life? Saudade.
Come summer, abode used to change: CCAW (Congregation of Cousins from Around the World). An overnight train travel spent awake and welcome to the City of Destiny. From having incomprehensible fun in those round table conferences where everyone is fed at a time, all those stupid games, late-night storytelling in the terrace breeze (which used to put up a good fight against summer’s heat in an era when a certain box which could control room temperature was rare) to becoming aunts and uncles, is there any hope that it will happen again? Saudade.
When life gave me lemons, I did what I wanted to do with them, not what I was expected to do (making lemonade), I tossed them into the refrigerator and let them rot at a decelerated rate. I might not have done even the ordinary things, let alone fun things, and I am not complaining. All I want is to live all those moments again and in exactly the same way, being no dissimilar to the flawed self that I was, not that I am. Saudade.